Seek Ye first and courage for Truth and Love will be granted

I had a wonderful afternoon with some friends today that prompted my thoughts:
  • How many are willing and able to plunge the depths of our hearts to deepen in our self-understanding?
  • Claiming the love for knowledge, we willingly read to feed our intellect, to buffet our ability to reason and argue, present and convince. Yet how many have a strong desire to know themselves truly – to know one’s deepest loves, fears, anxieties, triggers? And desire to continue working for inner peace, balance, joy?
  • At the risk of entering new territories or uncomfortable discoveries. Even at the risk of choosing a loving action (to self), which would cost some short term pain?

Someone once said to me, “Did fear ever kill anyone? Why are we so petrified by an imagined or perceived fear?”

A friend asked, “You have to ask yourself: At the end of the day, what do you want your life to be like? How do you want to live your life?”

It reminded me of a beautiful Bible verse, “For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” (Mark 8:36)

More than this: I count it the greatest wealth and wisdom that I should come into a deeper union with the deepest ‘me’ whom God fearfully, and wonderfully made. Not the ‘me’ that people tell me I must or should be. Not the ‘me’ that teachers have suggested I could become, nor the ‘me’ my parents hoped me to achieve. Maybe all these, or maybe none of them at all. Not even the ‘me’ I have chosen to become in rebellion to all the ‘should be’s’ asked of me – for that is not even the real ‘me’, but a reaction from me. I believe that each of us is made in the image and likeness of God. We are imprinted with a soul so unique, that we will know we’ve been fooled at some point in life when we feel ill at ease with where we are at! And so we begin to doubt, question, search – that’s a good thing! It’s silly to brush off someone with, “Oh, it’s just a mid-life crisis – get over it.”

That is a cruel remark. That could be the precise moment when God whispers into their ear and says, “I love you for who you really are, who you are inside, so you no longer have to hide behind all these accessories, activities, or accolades. Come with me.”

When faced with the quest: to choose God first and over, choosing career, relationship, popularity, success, riches – which would I choose? The common fallacy here is we might think choosing God first and over the rest, would mean suffering in, or losing, career, relationship, riches, etc.

Yet what if choosing God first, means: letting all other things fall into their rightful place. That career, love, success, or whatever matters, begin to take their rightful order in the schema of a truly courageous and beautiful life? With such a pure desire for the foremost important love for the Divine, many things are rendered the sweeter by being cast in the generous glow of Love and Mercy. Hence:

“Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” (Matthew 6:33)

No answers for now, just a lead, a clue, and a trail… to follow. One important lesson learnt, kindness and compassion for self first, always. Akan datang.


On eating alone: solitude vs. loneliness

An observation while having lunch in school alone today: I will not feel badly about these occasions anymore. These moments can be occasions of grace too. How?

When I am eating alone, with a book, I feel comforted and cocooned within a world I have chosen. Look, here’s my company – my book! I am saying, this is the space in which I have found a retreat.

When I am eating alone, and I am reading from my phone and checking Facebook status updates or Newsfeeds, I sense myself wishing to be some place else, but stuck here. Look, I don’t really know what to do by my self. I am saying, connect me to something other than my here and now. The virtual space is infinite, and yet indefinite.

When I am eating alone, and staring at the trees (or a bird), I feel right in the present. Look, there is the tree and the birds – and I am right here with them too. I am saying, there is no other place I would rather be. My eyes are open for opportunities and possibilities in the world around me – now.

This realisation was very uplifting. It quietly replaced my loneliness with a contented solitude. 🙂

It is OK to keep on trying.

Sunday, 11 October 2015

Tonight, I begin again.

There is nothing to be ashamed of having started two other blogs and not continuing.

But I shall not dwell on the false starts. Today, I will begin again.

Running 4km helped. For once in a long while, I was not fixated on my timing. I just kept on running, at a pace that I was comfortable with, that gave me the confidence that I could keep on running and not stop because I was unreasonably pushing my body. Yes. For once, tonight.

When I choose to begin again. This time I choose to be modest and honest. So it became 4km in exactly 31 minutes!

I feel this evening was a lesson in all sorts of self-giving: self-management, self-mastery, self-love, self-understanding, self-knowledge.

Before I forget, I really like the idea I read in Gretchen Rubin’s “The Happiness Project”, to keep a one-line journal. I find it modest enough, and reasonable, and totally doable! (knowing how I have avoided journalling out of a weird sense of guilt for not setting aside proper time and concentration.)

Another lesson: Why put unnecessary stress on myself to do something I naturally enjoy?

Maybe I’ll do a one page journal – capped at 200 words!